I have had many opportunities to be a successful artist. Most of the time, they were like a dream come true. Still, there were parts to this dream that no one talked about, that I didn’t think about, and that can be uncomfortable if all I ever dreamed was drawing.

In my 20s, I was young and naive. I didn’t know what kind of artist I was or what kind of creative work suited me. There are various fields of art, and they all differ in nature and practice. I explored multiple interests, including graphic design, game design, and illustration. But whatever I tried, there was something that didn’t click.

As strange as it is, it took me over 10 years to understand what was not working for me. Knowing yourself is crucial for achieving success in a career as personal as art. Now I know that I am a slow creator fascinated with details. I need to discover something new occasionally, and I value freedom.

Although becoming an independent artist was always on my mind, I lacked the knowledge, a good work ethic, patience, and life experience to make it work. My attempts also fell short because I had no idea who I was or what I was doing.

Artists wear many hats today—creators, marketers, networkers, and business managers. All of this became very overwhelming really fast. Add financial uncertainty, other people’s opinions, rejections, and imposter syndrome into the mix, and I was suddenly paralyzed.

Regardless of whether I was working at a creative company or attempting to build an art career as a side hustle, I often faced moments of frustration and doubt. During those times, I started searching for solutions. Instead of doing the hard things, I found relying on answers rooted in fear easier. Thus, I convinced myself to make a U-turn and went into a field far from art.

No matter what I do, I find myself returning to drawing and dreaming of becoming an artist after a few years. It may not seem like a big deal, but I’ve been caught in this cycle for fifteen years—building my dream life as an artist and then fleeing as things get too uncomfortable.

It’s time to end the cycle. I will either be an artist or move on to something else for good.